Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
