I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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