The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
