I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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