my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
