is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize