We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
