did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
