Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
