I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize