my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
