I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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