I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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