fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
