So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
