Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
