so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
