i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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