So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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