Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
