he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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