You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
