There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
