I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
