Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
