Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
