he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
