Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
