she woke up with a sticky ear
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
