I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize