Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
