i was born a porn star she said
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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