Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
