just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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