I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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