haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize