coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
this is an emotional support booty call
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
