I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
