hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
