even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
