alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you inspire me to be a worse person
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
