I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
