You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
