Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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