Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
