Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
