I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize