i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
