You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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