honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
