The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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