I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
