I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
