dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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