apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
