so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
