two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
