and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize