Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
