i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
