I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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