Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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