i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You smell like stripper and shame
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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