Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
