the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
