By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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