i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
