Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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