Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
