Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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