I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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